All Things Abed

Dan Harmon has awakened the sleeping beast inside me that’s the majestic anomaly that is Zardoz. Sad that it’s complete chaotic intentions sank this beautifully confusingly constructed cinematic vehicle

Gin Blossoms is the kind of music you can put a sweater on to.  It’s great November listenin’

michaelbusch:

A wonderful thanksgiving story. Don’t be a townsperson. Support the bean-makers of the world.

waderandolph:

me: let me take you back
to a simpler time
2005-6, something like that
the leaves began to fall off the trees and thanksgiving was arriving steadfastly
someone said “let’s do a thanksgiving pot luck!”
everyone said “hooray!”
i said “I’ll bring my baked beans!”
“What?!” the people demanded. “Explain this, infidel! Baked beans on thanksgiving? What are we, cowboys or something?! Get the FUCK OUT OF HERE.”
“No!” I pleaded. “It’s my family tradition, we eat baked beans and they’re great!”
“Just trust me, I’ll make them and then you’ll see!”
“Fine,” the grumps groaned. “Make your beans. We don’t have to eat them.”
Urgently I ran to the store and picked out the best onions, the most delicious beans, and a host of other wonderful ingredients.
I worked so hard on the beans, it was the first time I had ever made them.
Thanksgiving day finally came and we were all thankful for the wonderful food.
But the beans were being ignored!
I couldn’t believe it!
I was enjoying them with my turkey and mashed potatoes and it was like home.
Then it happened, finally someone dared to try the ostracized dish.
“These are DELIGHTFUL!” He proclaimed. “Not at all like the terrible runny baked beans I’ve had in the past. I’ll never think of baked beans the same way again!”
“Huzzah!” the crowd cheered as they lined up to try my special baked beans.

Kelsy: a happy ending!!

me: I was so happy.
I couldn’t contain myself.
An old tradition had been shared with a new group of friends.
But then, at a distant time, another thanksgiving loomed. And with it came darkness and storms.
“Wade!” the people cried, “Please tell us you’re making your baked beans this year! They’re great!”
“Of course I am, you stupid idiots!” I proclaimed.
“Hooray!” the people cried, and for a slight second the clouds parted and the sun shown.
But with a crash, the joy was stopped
An evil villain appeared on the horizon.
“I’ll make my beans, too,” he sneered.
“My beans have one million ingredients and take a billion years to cook in the core of the earth! They are more complex and therefore better than Wade’s easy, delightful beans!”
And with that he rode off on his dark steed.
The people were in awe.
“What of these new beans?” they gossiped to one another.

Kelsy: oh no!

me: “I can’t wait to try these new beans, FUCK WADE,” said a small child.
But I wasn’t dissuaded. I lowered my chin and buckled down and darted head first into the darkness.
Thanksgiving came, and the evil villain was nowhere to be seen.
But his cursed beans had magically appeared.
“New beans!” the people smiled. “I’ve always had beans every thanksgiving,” someone reminisced incorrectly.
I had become completely unwelcome in a tradition I helped share.
But nevertheless, my beans were on the table next to the cursed beans.
And in the end, evil was dashed down by pure goodness once again, as my simple, non-elegant beans were declared the SUPERIOR BAKED BEANS.
The end?
NO.
Because the next year, perhaps bored with the story, maybe out of apathy, the evil villain was once again welcomed to the feast. And EVEN THOUGH I said that I would be making my winning baked beans again, the villain was allowed to bring his as well.
and this time, as if spitting in my face wasn’t enough, the villain would bring two different types of baked beans.
I hung my head.
and vowed to never ever make baked beans again.
the end.

Kelsy: what!!?
thats insane!
don’t let him win!!
your beans are way better
that guy sucks!

me: that’s not the point of the story
the real villain in this story is the townspeople for allowing such a crime to occur

I’m inspired to make my world famous chilli this year and start a new age of deliciousness.  But I’ll happily call attention to you as the Wilt Chamberlain to my Michael Jordan of spicy chilli goodness!!!!